Thursday, February 10, 2011

What not to wear: the cranky edition

Taking a cue from Stacy and Clinton (who are so eponymous with "What Not to Wear" that I don't even need to put their surnames), I'm going to write about fashion statements that make me cringe, shudder, and weep for the future of mankind.

1. Leggings as pants

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I don't care if you want to wear leggings with a skirt, because that's where they belong, but for God's sake, why would you wear them as pants? The only time that's acceptable is if you're working out. If you wear leggings alone, you're going out in public with no pants on. Think about it. Your mother would have slapped you silly if you had gone to elementary school in just leggings and a t-shirt.

NB: I will admit that I have a pair of jean leggings (or "jeggings", if you're into that sort of thing) that I won in a contest. They just look like skin-tight jeans. I haven't worn them once, because they bring back memories of having been teased for wearing much the same in about 6th grade ("HAHA! You're so fat your pants are skin-tight!"). Also, my sister-in-law wears crap like that and I like to make fun of her for it.

2. The word "jeggings"

It sounds like the plural of some kinky sex act. Surprisingly, Urban Dictionary does not list that as an alternate definition.

3. Multi-chain "statement" necklaces

You know what statement you're making with these? It screams that you're too lazy to detangle all the necklaces you grabbed from your mother's jewelry box. Now, I have been known to wear multi-strand necklaces from time to time, but mine are all distinct strands and not this twisted-up mishmash.

4. Giant nerd glasses

I don't get it. When I wore glasses like this in my youth, I got made fun of and now, the style is showing up on runways. Was I really that fashion-forward when I was 10? I'm not sure if women are sporting these clunky old man specs because they think they're cute or ironic or what, but I do know it makes you look like a dork.

5. Tie-waist tops and tunics

Very few women are able to look even halfway decent in a shirt like this. Unless you are the size of Victoria Beckham, a flowing, "boho" blouse with a drawstring waist is going to make you look like a fatty. Especially if you pair it with skinny jeans or (God forbid) leggings. When you do this, it makes it look like your jeans are so tight, they're forcing all your thigh fat up and around your midsection. For those of us blessed with enormous Italian childbearing hips, wearing an ensemble of this sort will give you the profile of an ice cream cone. When the feminine ideal in America is a rangy size 0, why would you deliberately want to make yourself look like the one-third of Americans who weigh as much as the other two-thirds?

All right, there will be more tomorrow. You just wait.

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