Thursday, February 28, 2013

Another wholly unqualified opinion on fashion

Note: I wrote this post during the summer and decided to hold off posting it, since I had been ranting about fashion for several months straight. I was about to delete it when I thought, what the heck, why don't I just post it now?  The pictures and formatting are probably a bit messed up, but I'm not sure how to fix that.  Frankly, I don't really care that much.

I was browsing Forever21's website for spring/summer tops and started commenting to myself how silly some of the models look. They're all sad or surly or bewildered; rarely do you see any of them smile. Half of them have this look on their face that says, "Put that camera down or I will cut you" (especially that Lindsey Lohan-looking chick; she mad).  Plus, some of the garments they're wearing leave you going, "Wha? What does this even mean?"  I'm probably just jealous because I can't wear 75% of the stuff they sell, because a) the clothes are too small, b) the fabric is cheap, poorly-constructed, and vanishingly thin, and c) it looks fudiculous on even the thinnest woman.  OF course, it also gives me a lot of new "trends" to dislike, namely peplum hems, high-low shirts, crop tops, excessive cut-outs, and mustaches on every damn thing.  I'm going to make a high-low, cropped, peplum shirt with no back and a big fat mustache on the front and I will make a fortune.

Take, for example, these "gems":
Look at the wrists on this girl. Someone needs to administer a 150cc bolus of HAM SANDWICH, STAT

Shucks, I just rolled in from the farm. Mah daddy won't let me work outside or nothin', what 'cause of them melanomers and all. But I shore is purty, ain't I?

"Can someone please bring me some pants? I seem to be wearing just my undies again."
After an unsuccessful repair of her torn hip flexor, Lady Gaga was forced to give up music and become a 4th grade homeroom teacher. 
Apparently, she's wearing a porcupine on her head and the front of her nightgown got caught in a combine.